I Would Have
by anniie23
Summary: "She looked a bit tired but it was almost midnight in Israel and I'd have never guessed that she wasn't sleeping properly because she was taking care of an infant. But she was smiling, I don't remember seeing her smiling so much." / A one-shot that takes place after season 13 finale.


_First of all, I want to thank you for your lovely reviews of "If Only". I've never expected it to be so poplar (compared with my other stories) and I was overwhelmed by it. You are the best :)_  
 _I hope you like this one-shot as well. I wasn't sure how to deal with season 13 finale (to be honest, I don't think I ever did) but one particular scene of this episode was stuck in my head and I really wish they showed us how it actually happened. Anyway, I mentioned it below._  
 _As always, English isn't my native language, so please excuse all the mistakes._  
 _I own nothing._

* * *

It'd been three months and he couldn't remember when was the last time he slept through the whole night. His senses were playing him up. When he closed his eyes, he saw her. He could even smell her around wherever he went, especially in the places they'd been together. Sometimes he had to stop in the middle of doing something because he had a feeling that she was observing him from distance, but when he turned around, no one was there.

He did as he said, he went to Israel with Tali but found nothing except what was left of the house. After leaving his baby girl with Orli – he didn't want to but he couldn't let her see him breaking down on the farm; he was sure he would and he was right – he drove to the place he spent quite a time with Ziva, where they were finally themselves, where they didn't hide their feelings, where he told her that he was fighting for her. All those things he said to her even though he left because he respected her. He needed her to know that someone was finally respecting her requests. He was willing to do anything to make sure she was content with her life even if that meant that he had to go back to DC. He could only hope that she would be back sooner or later.

As he predicted, he could barely stand on his own feet seeing what was in front of him so he decided to sit on the hot ground leaning against the nearest tree trying to calm his nerves down. He really wanted to believe that she could get Tali out of the house before everything happened so she could still be alive but if she decided to come back and fight, there was no way she could have survived this. There was nothing left. Nothing.

They spent almost two weeks in Paris. Tony made sure to check in the same hotel he stayed at with Ziva all these years ago and even asked a receptionist if that particular room was available but when she affirmed he lost his hope again. Israeli loved Paris and knew the city much better than him which made it so difficult to him to find her if she was there. After visiting all the places they'd been together to and finding nothing, not even a clue, they went back to DC.

And there he was, in his old apartment with his kid by his side. Senior rented a house in the neighbourhood after he refused to move in with his son. They needed some time alone to start over, that's what he told Tony. That was much easier to say than do. After all this time his hope was gone, mother of his daughter was dead, the only person he wanted to change for was dead, the second but the only one proper woman he'd ever wanted to spend his life with was dead. This time for real and it was much worse to handle knowing he had to take care of Tali. He couldn't drink, he couldn't give up, he couldn't stop any of this.

He heard his phone beeping and before he reached for it, he made sure it didn't wake his baby girl who was curled up next to his side hugging her stuffed doggy.

 _Hi, Tony! Are you free this evening? I thought we could go grab something to eat together, it's been so long since the last time I saw you._

Abby, he sighed. He really wasn't in the mood but knowing her she wouldn't give up that easily.

 _Sure but not for long. I need to tuck Tali in bed before eight._

That was still new to him even though it became his routine quite a time ago. He remembered the first night she was here and didn't let him go before he hugged her and tucked in bed. He thought that was probably what Ziva was doing every night and he wouldn't dare not to do it. If that was one of the things this little girl was used to, so be it. Not that he didn't like it, he really did. He would do anything for her, to see her smile.

 _I promise I'll let you go long before that._

He left the living room dialing his father's number. After he asked him if he could stay with Tali for an hour or two Senior assured him that it's not a problem and that he'd be there earlier than he wanted him to. Even though it'd been two days since they saw each other, he didn't forget to mention how much he missed his granddaughter.

Two hours later Tony was sitting in one of Abby's favourite eating places waiting for the scientist. She wasn't late, he showed up way too early thinking that being out of home without Tali by his side would make him feel the way he did a few months ago, like Ziva was still alive and he was just missing her. But instead of that he felt a bit lost, like he wasn't himself anymore.

But when Abby went into a bar she managed to make him feel happy for at least a while. They talked, laughed, recalled old times and then it hit him.

" _I know how much Ziva really loved you. And I need to know that you know that too."  
"I do. I think."  
"Don't think. Know. I know. She told me."_

"Abbs, when did she tell you that?"

The woman looked at him curious, she wasn't sure what he was asking about but when she saw his sad eyes, she immediately knew.

"She called me on Skype about a year and a half after you came back. You were pretty serious with Zoe back then and I didn't know how to tell you that. I'm sorry, I really am," she sighed. "But now when she's gone I think that's the worst thing I could have done."

"Did she… Did she look different? I mean she just had Tali and-"

"Well, it's hard to say. She looked a bit tired but it was almost midnight in Israel and I'd have never guessed that she wasn't sleeping properly because she was taking care of an infant," Abby answered. "But she was smiling, I don't remember seeing her smiling so much."

"Why didn't she call me? I wish she did. God, I wish I could hear her voice once again."

"She asked me how you were doing and if… If I thought that inviting you to Israel for a while was a good idea," she admitted, she felt so ashamed but she had to tell him everything. "Oh my God, you're going to hate me but I told her that you just moved on and started a relationship with Zoe and… I saw you hurt all that time and I advised her that if she really loved you, she should let you go, let you live your life when everything was finally going so well-"

"You had no right." he hissed.

"I know," she whispered placing her hand on her mouth like if she was afraid that she might start sobbing any second. "But would you have left everything behind? Would you have left Zoe behind?"

"I would have." he replied without hesitation.

"But she never told any of us that she had your baby and-"

"For God's sake, Abby, I would have done it in a heartbeat!"

She nodded and started sipping her tea again. He noticed that she was avoiding his gaze, no wonder, he was angry. Even though he wouldn't be mad at her for a long time, he couldn't get over what she'd done, not that easily.

He looked at his watch and when he noticed it was already seven pm, he got his wallet out of the jacket that was lying right beside him.

"It's on me tonight. I need to go."

"Tali needs her daddy, I know," she smiled sadly. "You have every right to be mad at me but please, let me know when it's okay not to get on your bad side again."

"Will do," he wanted to leave after that but when he saw her face he stopped, she was his friend after all. "I may be angry but hey, how long do we know each other? Sooner or later we'll go grab something to eat together again."

"Can't wait." she added seeing him going out of the bar.

Fresh air hit him with realisation much more than it did inside.

Back in 2013 he wasn't leaving Ziva on the tarmac, he was leaving Ziva and his daughter.

She wanted him to come back.

She wanted to tell him everything.

They could have been a family.

And now it was just he and Tali. Tali who was waiting for him at home to tuck her in bed. Every day.


End file.
